“Boss, You Wanted to See Me?”
Dealing with Difficult Conversations
You wake up on a Monday morning – refreshed and ready to start the work. You receive a notification on your phone. As you reach over and read the first words appearing on your screen, your heart skipped a beat. “Please see me when you have reached the office” – a curt and firm morning greeting from your boss. We have all been there. Your mind starts to race as you recollect your thoughts to try and guess what you have done wrong.
We deal with difficult conversations on countless occasions, be it that tough meeting with your CEO or a negotiation to seal a deal. In fact, one of the common queries by our clients involve questions concerning techniques in dealing with interpersonal communication skills. While the skills may not be the same at first brush, interpersonal communication techniques overlap with that of general public speaking. For us, such communication skills also engage other techniques in various fields such as body language and negotiation. Your ability to manage difficult conversations may be the only distinguishing factor between failure and success.
That said, difficult conversations are fantastic opportunities to grow and step out of your comfort zone. Here are some simple tips to help you along, the next time you encounter a difficult conversation!
Tip #1: Focus on the Facts, Not the Fiction
As with public speaking, the mindset before the presentation or interaction is vital. Months of research and practices can all come undone if you spend your last few minutes before your presentation in a negative mindset. The same applies to difficult conversations. Often, we dwell into our imagination to pull out the darkest possibilities from the conversation before the conversation even starts. Take the scenario at the start, for example. You are more likely to start imagining the various ways your boss would tear you apart than to pause and consider the possibility of a positive outcome. Mindset setting is not an unusual concept in public speaking. In the same vein, try visualisation exercises or even power poses before you go for such difficult conversations. For the former, running through the full experience of a positive conversation, from the emotions to your experiences, can help to calm your nerves. The aim is to place yourself in the best state possible before having to engage in a difficult conversation. Adopting the latter approach of power poses will come in handy in boosting your confidence right before you step into the room. Remember – mindset is key!
Tip #2: Adopt an Open Approach – What Are Their Concerns?
Insofar as the actual conversation is concerned, you may feel tempted to adopt a defensive communication mode because you are primed for a “difficult” conversation. Such a communication mode may range from your choice of language to your actual body language even! For example, having your arms crossed or pacing around may portray anxiety in a situation that requires confidence. Alternatively, you may find yourself using hedging language, such as “I think…” Instead, adopt open gestures with natural hand positioning, supported by positive, visionary language (e.g. “I strongly believe …”). Beyond the mode of delivery, adopting a defensive communication mode may also mean that you close yourself from the actual concerns of the other party. For the most part, people do not like having difficult conversations; these conversations are not arranged for ‘fun’ or for the sake of having one. Rather, try to place yourself in the other party’s shoes and understand the concerns or interests of the other part in having to arrange this difficult conversation. Adopting an inquisitive or concerned outlook is more likely to help you lead to a positive outcome.
Tip #3: Disengage and Rest When Needed
Aside from the tips above, a difficult conversation should not be an excuse for someone to abuse you. For example, one of our clients asked for advice on how to best deal with bullying clients in a negotiation/conversation setting. I shared with her that the premise of the question should be addressed – that, you should not have to deal with bullying parties in the first place. Instead, learn when to disengage, retreat and regroup before approaching the same conversation at a more convenient time. Disengaging, in this sense, is not giving up. It is a strategic choice taken with the goal of having a fruitful conversation with the other party. If the conversation devolves into a bullying, aggressive session, the outcome reached, if any, is unlikely to be constructive (i.e. win-win). In fact, adopting the open approach as suggested above, there may be a variety of reasons why the other party is taking such an aggressive stance. While the reasons should not justify their behaviour, identifying them would go some way in helping you to recognise a strategic exit. Instead of persisting with the conversation, you may instead suggest a postponement of the conversation until both parties can discuss in a calm, constructive and fruitful manner. Sometimes, a quick rest from a difficult conversation may turn it into an easy one!