Stop Fighting! Communication Tips to Mediate Conflicts

We may be called upon to manage conflicts, arguments, or disagreements at the workplace or even at home. This is so even if you are not trained in conflict resolution or carry the skills to manage a difficult conversation. We have noticed that high authority figures, such as leaders, key appointment holders, senior management, are required to play the confident role of a conflict-solver within their company or team. How does one master the skills to manage such scenarios?

Conflict resolution is more than just being ‘fair’ or ‘neutral’. To make the approach workable, communication strategies should be precise and fluid. A rigid approach is unlikely to help you settle a volatile conflict. At the same time, being too prescriptive (or top-down) may only get you short-term benefits (e.g., directing the parties in conflict to stop fighting). Often, these conflict resolution scenarios involve a challenge by the parties to be understood and acknowledged.

To help you approach such a contentious setting, here are three communication tips that you can apply when mediating a conflict at work!

Tip #1: Set the Expectation Right

While there are specific accreditation and procedures for formal mediation, your day-to-day conflict setting may be more versatile. This means it is equally important to set the expectations of your role clearly at the outset. These elements can reassure the parties in conflict that you will be listening to them closely, understanding where they are coming from, and helping them approach a solution in collaboration.

There are three elements that you can share in setting the expectations for the parties. First, set out your specific role and reassurance of confidentiality, neutrality, and facilitative role. It is key that the parties do not look towards you as the solution provider. Instead, your role is to facilitate the parties to a solution that they design (and agree to) themselves. Second, explain the process in which you will be conducting the session. This can range from simple ground rules (e.g., being respectful) to even procedural elements (e.g., who to speak first). Third, remind the parties that this is a collaborative approach and the focus is not on fault-finding. Instead, they should be encouraged to always try and move the conflict forward.

Tip #2: Move the Parties to Empathy

A common mistake in conflict resolution is to put aside emotions in the illusion of a ‘rational’ discussion. Rather, emotions, as a natural aspect of human nature, should be acknowledged and understood, especially in a conflict setting. This does not mean allowing the parties to be emotional. Rather, harnessing emotions may involve inviting parties to move past their stubborn positions and start explaining the concerns (see the seminal text of Roger Fisher, Daniel Shapiro, Beyond Reason – Using Emotions as You Negotiate (Penguin Books, 2005) for deeper insights into the role of emotions in conflict resolution).

The objective is thus to move parties from their own space to a shared space of empathy. Start by identifying ‘attacking’ moments where discussions are fixated on identity (e.g., he is so selfish!) instead of impact (e.g., I had to complete the project alone). Take the lead in reframing the words from each side and conveying them to the other party – you are not rejecting the emotions shared; you are neutralising the content. This frees the parties from distracting elements such as perceived personal attacks to focus on constructive solution-building.

Tip #3: Encourage Option Generation

Finally, effective conflict resolution is more than creating a safe space for communicating or venting. If you play a mediating or facilitative role, you may need to encourage parties to generate ideas or options to solve the ongoing conflict. Again, we emphasise that as tempting as it may be, your role is not to prescribe a solution to the parties. They may choose to carry the idea out (perhaps due to the hierarchy in place or as an instruction), but this may be a short-term solution.

To ensure long-term solution building, remember to actively play the facilitative role in the conflict discussion. For example, instead of generally commenting on the options generated, offer parties a safe space to set out all possible ideas without judgement first. The aim is to have a wealth of choices before narrowing down to the key solutions. Another method is to engage in “reality-testing” – this involves questioning and engaging parties on whether the solutions proposed are workable. If an idea sounds strong in theory but may not be practical (e.g., too much time, effort), then the solution may turn out to be more damaging than fruitful.

Help Solve the Conflict!

Conflicts are not easy communication settings to manage, especially if you are placed in the centre of a heated discussion with no solution in sight. The process can also be draining if the setting devolves into a shouting match or emotional rant. However, as the neutral party, you can apply communication techniques to ensure that the parties are brought through a structured and fruitful conflict resolution process. We urge you to try the three tips above the next time you encounter a conflict resolution opportunity!

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